The Men Who Stare at Platypus
by Howard Hugheson
Summary: The origins of OWCA, Perry, Dr. Doof, etc. and part of a story challenge from WordNerb93.
1. Preface

I received a writing challenge, which read:

Write about the first time Doofenshmirtz sang a song with/to/for Perry.

Being both intrigued by the idea and having enjoyed writing the other Phineas and Ferb fanfic so much, I thought I'd try another.

The ending to my first Phineas and Ferb fanfic was a bit shocking. I'll try to land this plane a little more gently.

Some things to note here. Yes, this story does cross over a little with the film, 'The Men Who Stare at Goats (hence the title), however that movie was based on actual events. Events of which I'm somewhat more a part of than some would believe.

With that being said, more of this story is based on actual events than you might believe.

Enjoy.

-H.H.


	2. Prologue

Slowly he walked up to the egg which laid in the specialize incubator that the agency he worked for had obtained specifically for it. Sighing, he brushed a hand through his black hair, slowly taking a seat next to it, gazing through the clear plastic.

An older man walked in, this one wearing the same green camo class c or BDU (Battle Dress Uniform) pants, but a white t-shirt. The younger man sitting next to the incubator wore both the pants and shirt. "How long are you gonna watch an unhatched egg Cassady?" asked the older man, crossing his arms. The older man had longer hair, tied back, a long goatee braided in different areas.

Cassady looked up, almost startled from his dazing state but not quite fully alarmed by the older man's presence. Cassady had a mustache and no goatee. On his shirt was the rank of sergeant.

"Sorry sir," Cassady said, leaning back in his chair. "Just concerned about this project. It's not a goat."

The older man grinned. "Of course it isn't," he said. "It's a platypus man, it's so much more and has so much more potential."

Cassady looked up at his elder, brows raised. "Sorry sir, I just always thought a platypus didn't do much."

The older man only smiled as he walked up to the incubator, looking at the egg. "They don't," he replied, "but this one will. With the mind enhancement, he and all of the other agents will do a great deal more. They will be born to be all they can be."

Cassady nodded slowly, standing up, and stretched. "Doesn't an agent need an agency?" he asked.

The older man looked to Cassady. "Oh yeah," he said, "don't worry about that Lynn. It's being taken care of."

The door suddenly swung open, a wide eyed soldier standing in the doorway staring at the older man. "Col. Django," he said, breathing hard, "there's been an incident, one of your guys has completely flipped out! General's kid I think."

Cassady and Django (the older man) glanced to each other, then ran out of the room along with the soldier who reported the incident they now ran so quickly after.

The egg remained quiet and still.

30 YEARS LATER

Another man, also black haired and wearing a mustache, sat next to another incubator, very much resembling the one its' mother was hatched in. Only this one looked somewhat more up-to-date, a computer monitor standing next to it showing various readouts.

Frances Monogram placed his clipboard down, sighing. "It's taken a lot to get you here little guy," he said gently. "This program has been passed from one brigade to the next but finally, here in INSCOM, here you can be all you can be."

The door opened and in walked a much older Cassady, though the picture on his badge pinned to his uniform looked slightly younger, and the name read 'LT. COL. LYN CASSADY'. "How's he doing Major?" Cassady asked, walking up to the incubator.

"Doing good sir," Monogram replied, "and might I say the incubation process has been going along very well." Then he paused. "Phyllis would be proud to see her little boy."

Cassady closed his eyes. "It's my fault Agent P. is gone," he whispered at the mention of the name 'Phyllis'.

Monogram frowned. "Sir, you can't blame yourself for what happened on that mission," he said. "These agents, they're born self aware, their minds much more enhanced by any of their own kind, ready to be..."

"All they can be," Cassady replied. "You don't have to tell me, Major. My commanding officer back when I was still a Sargent came up with that phrase to sell the First Earth Army to the Pentagon."

Monogram nodded. "What will become of the agents now, sir? Are they going to remain with the First Earth Army? We're much more animal-friendly than the other units, and..."

"I stopped the heart of a goat," whispered Cassady, sweat forming on his forehead. "A goat that did nothing to me."

"Sir," Monogram said, "you also saved the lives of hundreds of goats too. You can't live in the past."

Cassady lowered his head and, after a few seconds nodded then turned to face Monogram. "I once asked Lt. Col. Django if these agents would have an agency. I just got word back from the top brass, an agency has been formed."

Monogram's unibrow raised, looking surprised. "Is that so sir?"

Cassady smiled. "It will be a smaller ordinance type organization. One of the main units will be located," then, pausing, he walked over to a large map of the United States of America hanging on a wall, and pointed to an area on it, then continued, "here, this tri-state area." Then he turned back to Monogram. "We'll need the best people to be field commanders of these units of this new agency, and I've requested you to be assigned to the tri-state area region."

Monogram looked shocked at that. "M-Me?" he mumbled. "Sir, surely there's another, more experienced..."

Cassady chuckled and walked up to Monogram. "I could think of no soldier better suited than you, Major. Your new assignment will be to move your operation to Fort Swampy, in the city of Danville, to manage and lead the Ordinance Welfare and Coordination Agency."

Monogram, wide-eyed, simply stood at attention. "Sir, I will be all that I can be."

Cassady smiled, nodding. "Very good Major." Then he frowned slightly. "OWCA? Really? That's not exactly the best acronym in the world."

Monogram chuckled. "O-W-C-A? We could call it Organization Without a Cool Acronym."

Cassady laughed. "See Monogram? That's why I like you so much. Report to Fort Swampy within the week Major. I'll have HQ send out some muscle from DC soon."

Monogram smiled. "Yes sir."


	3. Chapter 1

"So many people have come and gone

Their faces fade as the years go by

Yet I still recall as I wonder on

As clear as the sun in the summer sky."

-Boston

Monogram had arrived to Fort Swampy in the early afternoon, a large green duffel bag swung over his shoulder and wearing his class-B uniform. Quickly he checked in with the guard and went to the main living quarters of the fort. It was a simple building, a gray and rectangular structure with windows and large doors with numbers stenciled on them.

After finding his quarters and unpacking his bags, he walked over to the central headquarters of Fort Swampy. It, much like the dormitories, was a large gray block with tall antennas standing on its' roof. Monogram looked about the large satellite dishes and thought the antennas and dishes seemed to match each other.

Grumbling lightly to himself about not appreciating a transfer, even if it meant more opportunities on his part, he stepped into the central office. Monitors along with large central processing unit boxes were everywhere. Something he noticed about the room that was strange was the lack of cameras. From what he could see there was only one camera in all of the structure. It was a large camera set up in front of a large screen.

"Peculiar," he said to himself as he sat down at one of the monitors, unsure of what to do. From what he could tell he was the only military personnel in the building. Every person he had seen, except for the security guard at the front desk, were civilians, scientists most likely.

The door to the central office opened, and in stepped a soldier in uniform, a sergeant according to his rank. The man saluted, and Monogram saluted back. "I take it you're the transfer from DC?" he asked.

The man, standing at attention said, "No sir, I have been ordered to escort the transfer and the egg, sir."

Monogram looked confused. "Escort?" he asked.

"Yes sir," said a softer, nervous voice behind the soldier. "The egg is, of course, of utmost importance since it has been psychically enhanced by Col. Cassady himself."

The soldier stepped away and Monogram stared, almost disbelievingly, at a short, red-headed young man in a lab outfit and thick glasses. Next to him was a portable incubator with the egg inside of it. The young man smiled and said, "I'm Carl Karl, your intern."

Monogram frowned at him. "I think you stuttered, son," he said hesitantly.

"Nope," Carl chuckled, "Carl's my first name, Karl's my last name. First name with a C, last name with a K."

Monogram glanced to the sergeant. "THIS is the muscle that the Colonel talked about sending?" he asked.

The sergeant nodded. "Yes sir!" he said. "If you will excuse me sir, I was ordered to return to my post as soon as these two were here."

Monogram nodded. "Yes," he said, "um, dismissed."

As the sergeant left, Monogram sighed and leaned against a chair.

"Something the matter sir?" asked Carl with a frown.

"I was expecting something a little more when Lyn said 'muscle'," Monogram said, looking sternly to Carl. "No offense."

Carl chuckled. "It's alright," he said. "I was kind of surprised when the Academy assigned me to this project too."

Monogram blinked, then his eyes looked saddened. "The... the Academy sent you here, did they? The Academy..."

Carl cleared his throat, snapping Monogram out of his thoughts. "Um, sir, are you ok?"

Monogram nodded. "Yes," he said, "yes, just fine. So, I trust that you've been briefed on this particular platypus egg and its' mother?"

Carl nodded, frowning. "Yes," he said gently, "Agent P., she was a good agent so I've read."

Monogram nodded. "The best soldier we had," he said. "You know about her unique abilities then?"

Carl smiled. "Oh, yes sir, and I find it fascinating. The Army psychically enhancing these animals to have all the mental capabilities of a human. I find it fascinating. It's the top of the classified neurological discoveries and experimentation. I'm excited to be a part of it!"

Monogram nodded and walked forward, his hands behind his back. "Yes," he said, "but this is no ordinary mission, Carl. This agent, as all of the agents of OWCA will be assigned to infiltrate the most dangerous scientists working on..."

Carl looked to the egg. "I'm pretty sure this guy's been assigned to a Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, sir. Dangerous in his own ways but not exactly the highest amongst his peers."

Monogram grumbled. "Is there anything you haven't been briefed on?" he asked.

"Not much sir," Carl said with a smirk.

"Don't get cocky Carl," Monogram said angrily. "That egg's going to be hatching soon and I want every protocol taken to ensure the baby inside is healthy and fit for duty."

Carl nodded quickly and said, "Yes sir, I certainly will!"

Monogram calmed down somewhat, and looked to the egg. "That fellows mom meant a lot to me, Carl. We worked together for a long time, and I want to make sure her child is well cared for. The agents will be assigned to host families now as a front to their missions, so I want to make sure this kid gets the best."

Carl picked up a clip board, reading it over. "There is a Flynn-Fletcher family that is highly recommended," he said, "and I'm sure they would take to adopting him, provided we can get them to adopt at just the right time."

Monogram thoughtfully rubbed his chin. "I wonder how we can do tha..."

Before he was finished Carl walked forward with a laptop, sat it down nearby and opened it. "Oh no worries there sir," he said. "We have all the intel we need. We know exactly where they will be and exactly at what time, and according to the data we've confirmed that they are looking for a pet, and we know what pet shop they will be looking in and exactly what time they will be looking. All taken care of."

Monogram frowned. "Carl, I... I'm not sure I'm comfortable with such close spywork. Looking into their lives like that, it just makes me uncomfortable, as though we're taking away any right to privacy they have."

Carl chuckled. "It's alright sir, the intelligence we've gathered has all been voluntarily posted by their daughter, Candace Flynn."

Monogram's eyes widened. "What? She just posted where she was going to be and when?"

Carl nodded. "Social networking. It's the biggest tool we have for information gathering. Dr. Doofenshmirtz uses it all the time. And um, so do you sir. Didn't you use to have a perm?"

Monogram looked angry. "Stay off the internet Carl!"


	4. Chapter 2

The large UH-60 Black Hawk flew over the Flynn-Fletcher house, flying in low as if planning to land at a location not far away from the residence. A very young Phineas and Ferb sat under their tree in the backyard, watching it. "Lookit," Phineas said, his head leaning back to watch the large craft. "Wow, that's a big helicopter, huh Ferb?"

Ferb nodded quickly before the sliding glass door opened. "You two!" barked Candace, "small children, get up! It's time to go, mom and dad aren't going to wait all day!"

Phineas smiled as he stood up, then helped Ferb up with a hand. "Oh, yeah, Ferb I know what we're going to do today! Go get a pet!"

Candace rolled her eyes. "I hope it's nothing stupid," she sighed as they all walked into the house.

Over the neighborhood, the helicopter rattled windows as it flew so close to the ground. Some car alarms even started excitingly blaring. Soon, the large helicopter would be landing at Fort Swampy's landing pad. A large crew of soldier rushed out, and both Monigram and Carl ran out from the main building to meet them.

"Take the incubator back to NIH," Monogram barked at the soldier in the front of the small platoon.

The soldier saluted and, as the others ran inside to get the equipment, asked, "Has he been trained sir?"

Monogram smiled. "If anything," he said, "he has exceeded his mother in all fields."

As the soldiers rolled the equipment out of the building, Carl and Monogram slowly walked back in, and the young platypus stared up at them from his cushioned seat, almost knowingly.

"This is your last lesson, Agent P.," Monogram said with a gentle smile, placing a hand on the platypus' head. Agent P. blinked.

"Being of the agency, you are more than a mere agent," Monogram said. "There is something so noble and pure in the Jedi's vision, that we are inspired to be more than soldiers."

Agent P. nodded slowly.

"In a world torn apart by greed and hate, we are to be a force for good. Our mental capability has been taken far beyond the normal realm. You, Agent P., like your mother, are more than a platypus, more than a human even. You are a soldier of the earth." Monogram then pulled out a golden chain with a small platypus foot charm on the end of it, and placed it around Agent P.'s neck. On it was written 'Perry'. "Go forth, Perry the Platypus," Monogram said with a smile. "Go get 'em Agent P."

Perry smiled, and saluted.

Within the hour, Perry was transported to Danville's only pet store, and was adopted by the Flynn-Fletchers.

"You're right Ferb," said the young Phineas in the car with his family after they had adopted the platypus. "Bartholomew does kinda sound a little too much like some spiky-haired hoodlum riding a skateboard. I like the name on his little tag much better. Perry. What do you think Perry?"

The platypus rattled his teeth as Phineas and Ferb both petted his head.

"I'll tell you what I think," Candace grumbled with her arms crossed. "I mean, seriously of all the animals in that store we had to get a platypus? What does a platypus do anyway?"

"Not much I'm afraid," Lawrence Fletcher said while driving. "They're a nice thing to look at though." Smiling he glanced to the platypus which just stared forward.

"Nice to look at?" Candace said, her eyes widening with amazement and some annoyance. "That's not a trait dad!"

"Oh relax honey," Linda Flynn-Fletcher said from her front seat. "The boys really liked it and I think he's cute."

Candace sighed, looking out of her window. "Ferb didn't even say anything."

At that, Ferb blinked.


	5. Chapter 3

Perry had an easy time slipping away from Phineas and Ferb, while both boys were taking naps (they were still little, after all). The platypus already had hours of training and was now ready for his first assignment.

Sighing, he put his hat on and hid behind a mailbox. Quickly, he closed his eyes, getting the face of his target into his mind. Right, tall guy but slouches, from some European country.

The platypus peeked from behind the mailbox to see his target walking out of a picture store. Perry frowned. Why was this guy getting a picture taken, he wondered. Maybe he was trying to obtain a passport or...

The man looked quizzically at Perry, and Perry quickly ducked behind the mailbox again. Dangit, Perry thought, he saw me. As the platypus pondered what he should do next, he heard singing from a thick accent.

Wow, Perry thought, now he's singing. Perry rolled his eyes. This was the evil genius that was suppose to be his target?

Perry peeked from behind the mailbox again.

"I looked out this morning and the sun was gone," the man sang in his annoying, deep accent. "Turned on some music to start my day!"

Perry winced, holding his hands up to his head as if trying to block out the music.

"I lost myself in a familiar song. I closed my eyes as a platypus SLIPPED AWAY!"

Perry's eyes widened at the last part.

"Ah-ha! Caught you!"

Perry frowned and looked at the man, knowing that he had been spotted.

"So, my new nemesis is a... a platypus, well, this is surprising."

Perry walked out from behind the mailbox looking up at the man.

"Alright, Mr. Platypus, let's do a little meet and greet, huh? It's too late in the day to do any evil. I'm Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, evil genius."

Perry reached out to the man, offering him a card.

Doofenshmirtz read over it. "Perry the Platypus, huh? Well, it was good meeting you Perry the platypus, I'm sure we'll have wonderful adventures, me scheming, you stopping me from doing whatever. It'll be great fun. I need to hurry up back to my place though, I need to pick up my daughter." The man walked away, waving. "See you Perry the Platypus!" he called out.

Perry just stood there, slightly confused as he waved back.

About an hour later Perry was back at the Ft. Swampy headquarters, giving Major Monogram a confused looked. Monogram looked back to Perry, then at some papers he was holding.

"I know he's not much of a dangerous target," Monogram said, "but he is unpredictable, a mastermind of sorts. Also, he works on his own time, hence his unpredictable nature. Technically he hasn't done anything that's worth arresting him over yet, so the higher ups assigned us to him to make sure he doesn't get too dangerous."

Perry frowned.

Monogram looked to the platypus and sighed. "Agent P.," he said, "technically, you're an agent. You do not hold a rank in the United States military like me or some of the other animal soldiers."

Perry gave Monogram a questioning look.

Monogram nodded. "Yes, you heard me right," Monogram continued, "there are branches of the military which are comprised mostly of animals. A specialized psychological and spy ops unit of penguins in New York, for example. We're an ordinance welfare organization. We make sure, for the safety of the country, that these scientists, that are around the world mind you, do not make anything so dangerous that it would put the world in danger. Now, it may not be as dangerous as you probably would have preferred, but it has its' dangers Agent P. Legally, they can't send soldiers after civilians, but you're an agent, not a soldier."

Perry nodded very slowly, thoughtfully.

"OWCA will eventually become the largest and most secretive domestic law enforcement agency in the nation's history," Monogram said, "and it starts with you Perry. It... would have started with your mom. I cannot think of a better alternative to her than you."

Perry smiled warmly up at Monogram, nodding.

Monogram smiled. "Now, as for your host family, remember to protect them at all times, keep a close eye on them. Don't blow your cover, but be their closest friend. Especially those two boys."

Perry nodded and gave a salute.

Monogram returned the salute. "Good luck, Agent P.," he said.


End file.
